Dardara and the Titty Zombie
by Penelope Loc
Summary: What the-? No, this was suppose to be my episode-hmm! This title is so misleading hmm- I'm the main character, not some random rock monster! And what the hell is a 'Titty Zombie?" ( *whisper*Dar dar dar dar dar) WHAT? I'm the titty zombie? NO WAY! I'M PERFECTLY NORMAL-HMM! And why the hell is Tobi in the story? CHANGE THE TITLE, OBLITERATE TOBI FROM THE SCRIPT! DAMMIT FOR ONCE, CAN


_(la la la la la, la la la) _

_Down in a little river flow_

_Where all the birds and bees do go_

_Up to the hill where a deep dark dome lies _

_You won't believe your eyes_

_In the land of lilies and other flowers_

_There lives a giant friendly rock monster_

_his name is..._

No, no! This is the wrong story! We're talking about Deidara, a feminine, 166-centimeter guy who can blow shit up, not some 3-meter friendly rock monster who rescues people with a durian-that's Dardara!

"Dar Dar Dar Dar Dar Dar!?" Dardara protested angrily.

Oh hush! You'll get your turn eventually!

...

Anyway, the story of Deidara goes something like this:

_In the land of Floroc, where things are pretty screwed up, lives a 19-year old man-lady, with his clay birds, in a rundown shack, shielded from the outside world by 3 meters of grass. His name is Deidara._

"_These italics are really annoying," said Deidara, "Turn them off, or I blow you up."_

**Fine.**

Deidara on this fine day was doing what Deidara usually does; finding ways to put down the author for good, plotting to get Eric Cartman run over by a bus (because that brat keeps on delivering grade S crap to his doorstep every morning), and…. making clay birds. It was an unusually peaceful day for the boy, until Tobi the Mermaid (who was created after Obito dropped the charade in the Narutoverse, along with the fact that he got the wrong body) somehow dragged his fishy ass to his front porch.

"Whaddaya want, hm?" grumpily replied Deidara.

Tobi then, wasn't paying much attention, because he thought he shat his fins, as there was a brown stain on his behind where he accidentally dragged onto Cartman's poo pile.

"I _said-"_

"Oh sorry senpai!" responded Tobi, "You see, Tobi came to meet you today, because you, senpai, have a very serious problem!"

"**No**," said the blond boy, and he proceeded to slam the door.

"WAIT!" shrieked the masked mermaid.

Hesitantly, the bomber reopened the door.

"'Kay, I'll hear you out, hm..." sighed Deidara.

"Thank you, Senpai!" squealed Tobi, "You see, your problem is that-

"That I have four mouths?" snickered Deidara.

"Uh uh. The problem _is, _because you focus so much on better stuff to do, you don't meet people, and so uh, your sex drive is almost non-existent!"

"Okay, bye."

_*Bam*_

Tobi, in a seashell bra and poo-stained tail and all, stood outside like an abandoned child for a moment, just to think and worry about his precious senpai's social life.

_If senpai won't do anything about this, Tobi will solve it, _thought Tobi.

A few moments of blank in between.

_But what would he do with a sex drive; will he actually like me?_

That awkward thought caused Tobi to blush a deep bright red.

_No, no. I'm a mermaid, and he's a human. Why does this have to restraint our- I mean my liking of him? But even if he did like me, he would most likely be straight, if not, a tsundere, and then-_

Let the trouble begin.

_No, this is a big, big problem, and if no one, let alone senpai, will help him solve it, I will solve it by myself!- No matter the cost._

* * *

**Later that night**

"Okay, we use plasma fluids as the base, add some aphrodisiacs, like testosterone, crocin, etc. et voila!"

The dark laboratory was brimming with life. Anya the Witch was helping Tobi make a love potion for his beloved senpai, for the price of a scale on his fin.

"So, is this for a L-O-V-E-R?" asked, if not flirted, Anya.

"Uh, kinda," stuttered Tobi, "You see, this gu-person kinda lacks a sex drive, but they doesn't care, so I-I'll help them, if they would not help themselves!"

"Aww, that's so sweet!" cooed the witch, "but this potion will not work unless it's ejected to the blood stream, so how are you gonna get it to the system?

The next day, a ferocious-looking, sleep-deprived Deidara impatiently glared face-to-face with a disguised and shivering Tobi.

_Shit, he probably stayed up past two playing 'Kill KartMan' again._

"**I have no time for salesman," **thundered Deidara.

"Oh, um, I'm no salesman, I'm a drug dealer in disguise!" said the raven-haired, a little too cheerfully.

"And why would I want to take drugs?"

Just then, a group of activists/ (really bad) rappers were performing on the sidewalk.

"S TO THE H TO THE DOUBLE OS TO THE T AND A O-U-T!"

"SHOOT OUT, DRUGS!"

"Hey kids, you don't wanna take drugs, 'cause it's _so_ totally uncool!"

"YEAH! If you don't take drugs, you will be _just_ like us!"

"And we're _so not_ totally a knockoff of 'Butt Out'!

…

"Gimme some," squeaked Deidara.

Inside the shack, the blond bomber proceeded to unwittingly eject himself with the aphrodisiac. A strange sensation began to take over his mind, no- it began to take over his soul. The normally small pupils became as big as cherry pits, followed by a creepy look on his flushed face.

"_**Titties."**_

Ladies and gents, I present you, the Titty Zombie.

* * *

**Floroc, ?: approximately 1400 hours**

"TOO MANY ZOMBIES LATELY!"

Throughout all of Floroc people panicked as though there were a swarm of TurdyFlies were invading town; After all, the Titty Zombie was groping chests left and right.

"HALP!"

"NOOOOO! I'M STILL A VIRGIN!"

"**Tittiessss."**

Just then, Tobi the Mermaid came just in time to see the Titty Zombie groping a kid in a orange hoodie to his death.

"AHHHHH !" *blood gush*

"Oh my god, you killed Kenny!" yelled a kid with a red and blue puffball hat.

"You bastard!" corresponded the other kid in the green ushanka.

"**Titties…"**

Now have you ever wonder if plants could think? Ask the talking flowers around here, and they'll certainly say yes. And if they could think, so could a zombie, let alone, a Titty Zombie, who is currently thinking:

_This enigma of a mermaid, who has the face of a man, seems so… enticing. Hmm... maybe it feels different just to..._

"NO, NO! TOBI DOESN'T WANNA DIE!"

*WHAM!*

"Dar dar dar dar."

In comes Dardara the rock monster, who apparently saved the whole town by knocking our poor bomber to his unconsciousness with a blow to the head, using a Durian.

"NOOO ,SENPAI!" shrieked Tobi, "TOBI WANTED TO LIVE, BUT NOT LIKE THIS!"

"Dar dar dar dar dar dar dar?!" said an exasperated Dardara.

"Quick take senpai to the hospital!"

* * *

**That Night**

"Is he okay?" whimpered Tobi.

Tensed Tobi was pacing back and forth nervously looking at every type of gift shop in the hospital. When he was looking at a bouquet of grass, a nurse with pink hair came out to proclaim the news.

"Missus! is Senpai alright!?" asked Tobi.

"Good news is that Dardara won't have to pay funeral expenses, because he's alive."

"Dar dar!"

"Bad news," said the nurse, "Well, I'll have to show you…"

Through the labyrinths of the hospital building, a very much normal looking Deidara sat upright.

"Titties?"

"AHHH!"

"Relax you spazzy siren!" yelled she, "he's perfectly normal, just that… he might have a little brain damage."

"Dar dar dar dar dar dar dar!" snickered Dardara.

"TITTIES! TITTIES! HMM!"

"Can we do anything about it?" asked a hopeful Tobi.

"Well, there is not enough information to know how to grow some brain cells, so that leaves us the Shmoo."

"Dar dar dar dar dar dar?"

Tobi explained to Dardara and the reader, that a shmoo is a magical animal which could produce milk, eggs, butter, and usually kills itself on will to any hungry being, as to provide them their flesh, which can be fried for chicken, broiled for beef, roasted for pork, baked for fish, and in general, a utopian farm animal.

"Dar dar dar dar dar?"

"What helps our situation, you say?" replies Missus Nurse, "The poo of a shmoo makes the pill that could cure anything, from colds to cancers, to flus, and even this young man's brain damage too!"

"Titties!?"

"Yes, I'm afraid you'll have to eat shmoo shit."

"It's for your own good Senpai…"

"TITTIESTITTIESTITTIESTITTIESTITTIES!"

With that, our story of the Titty Zombie ends with Deidara the Titty Man jumping out of the window in an escape attempt, luckily crashing safely on to a pile of 'Ground Pellets: Made with 30% Turdy Fly.' As that was unsanitary, the poor boy may have not broken his bones, but instead contacted a bad case of smelliness. Did I forget to mention that shmoo spit makes the best shampoo?

_The End_

Oh, p.s., he still had to eat the poo of a shmoo.


End file.
